apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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