she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
