this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
