Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
