i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
