You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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