it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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