apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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