Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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