i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is Oprah even human
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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