i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
