whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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