Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
