I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My bed smells like the plague
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
