im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
