When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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