I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My liver is preforming stress tests.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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