It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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