Kiss
Puke
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
