You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
