i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
