i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
