Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
