a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
