Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
