separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
