i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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