Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
