a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
