Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
