Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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