Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
