Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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