sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
