Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
