ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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