her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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