hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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