Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
