barbara walters just said penis...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
