His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
