I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
