Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
