ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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