I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
