you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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