She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Operation Purity has been aborted
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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