...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
