i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
