awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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