just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
